Silent Love
by Aviv b
Summary: Sometimes its hard to say what you feel.


**Summary: Sometimes its hard to say what you feel. **Written for a schmoop bingo challenge on LJ. The prompt was: **"I Love You" - First****  
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A/n: This just popped into my head tonight and demanded to be written. A post-Countrycide fic - this one's sad.

**Comments are welcome (Ok, begged for).**

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Ianto was still sporting a black eye a month after the Team's encounter with the cannibals in Brecon Beacons. It wasn't really black anymore, but had faded into a lovely greenish yellow, much like the color of a slightly overcooked hard-boiled egg yolk. His cuts and scratches had healed, but his broken ribs still hurt as they slowly healed.

Jack had let him come back to work but restricted him to light duty as prescribed by Owen. And as much as he tried to hide his pain, his slow deliberate walk and his frequent wincing when he tried to move quickly fooled no one.

Jack was particularly concerned as he watched his young employee move around the Hub. And it wasn't just the physical injuries that concerned Jack, Ianto was withdrawing again. He didn't think it was deliberate but Ianto had a tendency not to want to bother anyone. They had made some progress after the Cyberwoman, working hard to make sure that Ianto felt like he was part of the team, but since this latest disaster, Ianto seemed to have lost ground. He spent most of the day in the archives, only coming up to make coffee and clean up at the end of the day.

Their own relationship was tenuous at best. Jack and Ianto had resumed a little flirting but sleeping together was out of the question. Not only were Ianto's injuries too painful, it would take a long time for them to rebuild the trust necessary for intimacy. In the last few weeks, however, Ianto didn't even respond to flirting. He didn't run away from Jack or get angry, but he would look at Jack as if surprised that anyone was speaking to him. Clearly Ianto's thoughts were in another galaxy.

Apparently Jack was not the only one who noticed what was going on. As they ate lunch in the conference room without Ianto who (for the third day in a row) had declined to join them, an uneasy silence settled over the team.

Finally Owen spoke. "Oi, so what are we going to do about Tea-boy."

"How about we stop called him names for a start," Jack retorted a little more sharply than he intended.

"Come on Jack, Ianto knows I'm just teasing him."

"You know, Owen, that may be," said Gwen, "but Ianto needs our support right now. And teasing him doesn't appear to be helping him at the moment."

Owen shrugged, conceding the point.

"So what are we going to do?" Jack asked.

"I think the real question is what are you going to do?" Tosh said directly to Jack.

"Me? Why me? What did I do?"

Tosh sighed. "It's what you didn't do Jack, what you are not doing that's the problem."

Jack looked at her in total bewilderment.

"Jack, he admires you, he practically worships you, and you haven't given him time of day since he was injured."

"I don't understand, I've been trying not to push Ianto either on a personal or professional basis. Give him some time to sort things out."

For some reason Tosh and Gwen were looking at Owen. Owen took a breath and proceeded to tell Jack that Ianto thought that Jack was angry with him.

"He thinks he failed on his first field mission and that you won't trust him with any real responsibility. He thinks you avoid him so you won't get angry and tell him how badly he bollicked the situation."

"That's ridiculous, I…"

"Don't tell us, Jack," Gwen interrupted, "tell him."

Ianto came up from the archives at his customary 4 PM. He was surprised that the Hub was quiet and no one seemed to be about. He went into the kitchen, grabbed one of the large green trash bags and began to make the rounds of everyone's work area. Tosh, not surprisingly, only had a few cookie wrappers that needed throwing away, Gwen, had numerous post-it notes that she had crumpled, as well as a plate with a half eaten hobnob on it. Owen's area, well that was a different matter. He carefully picked up candy wrappers, the remainder of sandwich, a coffee cup that he had somehow missed for days if the mold inside it was anything to judge by as well as some disgusting slime left over from an alien dissection performed earlier in the week.

Just as finished picking up the last of the garbage and was heading over to the tourist office with it, Jack signaled him on the com. "Ianto, do you have a few moments?"

"Of course sir." _"Hell what does he want now?"_

Ianto trudged wearily up to Jack's office. He opened the door and stood in the doorway hoping that this would encourage Jack not to start a long meeting.

"Come in, sit down."

"_Great. Here it comes, the 'you're such a nice guy but a complete fuck-up' talk."_

"I haven't asked you for a while, how are you feeling?"

'_How do you think I feel? I'm about to get fired, maybe retconned. I feel bloody marvelous, Captain."_

Jack could see that Ianto was barely paying attention. He thought about chiding Ianto but realized that was exactly the wrong thing to do.

"Ianto, would you look at me please."

Ianto looked up. 'W_hat now,' _he thought.

"You know we never had a chance to really talk about what happened on your first field mission. And I wanted you to know…uh…that you performed admirably."

Ianto looked at Jack like he had two heads. _"What's he on about?"_

"No really, if you hadn't sacrificed yourself to let Tosh escape, I don't think either of you would be alive now. It was a dangerous gamble, but I would expect no less of my field agents."

Ianto spoke for the first time. "What?"

"Mind you, I think we need to get you some more training so you have more confidence in the field, but I think you have the makings of a superb agent. That is if you want to. You had quite a terrifying experience for your first time out, and I won't make you go back into the field if you don't want to, but I hope you'll consider my offer."

Ianto's eyes narrowed a bit. _"Is this some kind of joke," he thought._

"And I've been thinking, field agents get paid quite a bit more than archivists, so if you agree, I'll be putting you in for a pay raise starting next Monday. I won't begin to train you until your injuries are fully healed, but I think the successful completion of your first mission warrants the increase."

Ianto felt momentarily disoriented. "_I'm not getting fired? He's promoting me?"_ He suddenly felt panicked and rose from his chair looking around frantically like a trapped animal.

"Ianto, what's wrong?" Jack said as he stood up as well.

"I don't know sir; I didn't think…I don't know…" And then to Jack's shock, Ianto burst into tears.

"Ianto," Jack cried in alarm. "What's wrong, do you feel ok?" Ianto had turned away as the tears continued to fall. Jack was around the desk in seconds. Putting a hand on Ianto's shoulder, Jack guided him over to the small settee in his office where they both sat down.

"Its Ok, Ianto; It's Ok," Jack repeated over and over as Ianto's began to sob. Taking Ianto into a hug he continued his mantra while rubbing Ianto's back in comfort. Whatever was wrong with Ianto, it was obviously much more serious than he thought.

As Ianto's sobs subsided Jack pulled back a bit so he could see Ianto clearly. "Talk to me Ianto, tell me what's made you so upset."

Ianto looked at Jack like he was seeing him, really seeing him for the first time that day. "Come on Ianto, I'm your boss, and I hope maybe your friend, so please tell me what's going on."

"I'm confused," Ianto said huffing out a breath.

"Ok…that's a start."

"How can you say I did ok on the field mission? I got me and Tosh captured and almost killed. I panicked and tried to take on our captors singlehandedly. If you hadn't come along when you did…"

Jack barked out a laugh. "Sorry, you didn't fail Tosh or the team. Tosh told me that if it weren't for you she wouldn't be alive. How can you call that failure? Now you did make a few mistakes, but they were minor and nothing that wouldn't be expected of a rookie on his first mission."

"But I was supposed to protect her."

Jack smiled and shook his head. "No, you're the newbie; she was supposed to protect you. Unfortunately, sometimes things don't go as planned and that's when quick thinking and resourcefulness come into play. And head butting that cannibal was about as good a spontaneous reaction as I've ever heard."

Ianto felt so relieved he began to cry again. "I thought you were going to fire me, maybe retcon me."

"Shhh," Jack said wiping some tears from Ianto's face with his sleeve, "Ianto, how could you think that?"

"You said after L..Lisa that if I screwed up again that I'd be gone."

"Well you didn't screw up, and I'm not going to retcon you." Looking at Ianto, Jack could see that while his statement had eased Ianto's fears a bit, he was still not fully relaxed.

"Ok, this is Captain Jack, all seeing and all knowing, more terrifying than the Ozma of Oz. What else is bothering you?"

Ianto snorted at Jack's statement and the corners of his mouth turned up just a bit, looking more like a grimace than a smile. "Do you hate me?"

"Oh Ianto, I don't hate you. I've never hated you. Angry at you for the Cyberman? Yes. But we're past that now. And even then, I never hated you. Why would you think that?"

Ianto sniffed and looked at Jack sadly. "Because ever since the cannibals you've been avoiding me. You don't joke with me, you don't flirt with me, you just ignore me."

"Come here," Jack said opening his arms. Ianto fell into his embrace, sighing like he was home at last after a long journey. "I was trying to give you some space, some time to heal without being pestered by me."

Ianto snuffled again Jack's shoulder. "I thought you wouldn't want to have to deal with me along with your injuries. I never meant to make you feel like I wasn't concerned about you or wanted you to be part of the team." Ianto pulled away from Jack and nodded.

That wasn't the full answer Ianto was hoping for but he guessed it would have to do. Ianto looked down to regain his composure as he felt tears threatening to fall once again. He looked so sad, Jack thought his heart would break. Jack lifted Ianto's face up and kissed him on the forehead.

"You know, I was thinking that we might take some time to get to know each other better. I don't know anything about you…as a person, I mean. So starting tonight, rift activity permitting, Wednesday nights are hereby declared to be Ianto Jones night."

Jack got up and went over to his desk, taking out a cut crystal decanter and two small tumblers from a side drawer. He poured out a small glass for each of them. Coming back to the sofa he handed Ianto his glass. "You, me, some cards, a little whiskey, some embarrassing questions, doesn't that sound like fun?"

Ianto gave Jack a small smile and rolled his eyes. "_There you go, that looks more like the old Ianto." _

"So you up for a few rounds of five card stud?"

Ianto looked embarrassed. "Would you mind if we skipped the cards this week. I'm tired, really tired, Jack. Haven't been sleeping well…"

"Ok, but next week, you better be ready because I was the Holmberg III Galaxy poker champion back in the early 5200s. And no, I won't let you win."

They spoke a few more minutes and then Ianto glanced at his watch, scowling.

"What's wrong," Jack said with concern.

"Just my luck, its gone past six and the car repair shop will be closed. Yeah, had to drop my car off there yesterday. Damn thing kept stalling at red lights. Well, best be going, I've got a bit of a walk home ahead of me."

Jack had no doubt that Ianto would make it home safely. But he looked so tired. "Tell you what, why don't you finish your whisky while I wrap up a couple things at my desk and then I'll give you a lift home. OK?"

Ianto nodded and drank down the last of the whisky in one gulp. Jack went back to his desk to finish that one report he needed to complete for the Prime Minister. He'd already received one call from the PM's office inquiring about its status and he really didn't want another call from the PM's very irritable Personal Assistant. Lost in concentration, Jack was startled to hear…a snore.

He looked over at the settee to see Ianto slumped over, tie askew, mouth partially open and snoring lightly. The empty tumbler was still in Ianto's hand. He walked over and took the tumbler from Ianto and watched him sleep for a moment. _'He's so young,' _Jack thought. _'Too young to look so old.'_

Jack lifted Ianto's feet onto the sofa and removed his shoes and loosened his tie. _"You have no idea, Ianto, just how much you mean to me. But I'm hoping if we start again slowly that at some point you will." _Jack sighed and kissed Ianto on the forehead.

"I love you Ianto," he said as he straightened up from Ianto's side. _"Damned if I don't. I just hope that you live long enough for me to get to show you."_

He dimmed the lights in his office and retreated to his bunker underneath. Maybe even he would get a few hours of sleep tonight.


End file.
